The Electric Dildo

The Bifocal Dildo

The Library Dildo

Poor Richard’s Dildo

The Refrigerated Dildo

The Daylight Savings Time Dildo

The Lighting Rod

More Like Bad Will Hunting

Finding Forrester Should Stop Looking

Bee Movie: F Movie

Fargo and Far-get

Gone in 60 Seconds, Like My Attention

Basic Instinct: To Run Away As Fast As Possible

United 93 Crashes and Burns

Timeline: 8:00 pm: Movie Starts. 10:00 pm: Want Two Hours of My Life Back

Dazed & Confused Accurately Describes Reviewer’s Feelings

Best In Show Worst On Screen

Mighty Ducks Mighty Sucks

Blow(s)

“Estrogen!”

Practice will break promptly at 4 in order to have dinner on the table by 6.

No pulling of weaves during play.

To increase viewership, games should be broadcast only between the hours of 2 am and 5 am.

Day care will be provided during home games only.

Upon losing a game, pints of ice cream and boxes of tissue will be provided to members of the losing team.

Articles I through IV replaced with excerpts from The Feminine Mystique.

Upon winning the WNBA title, each member of the championship team is to be rewarded with the complete series of Sex and the City on DVD.

Not Pictured: My Girlfriend

You don’t try to tell me how your day was when I’m catching up on The Wire.

You think masturbation jokes are funny.

You don’t ALWAYS nag me about seeking help for my alcoholism.

You’re not sleeping with like three of the Jimmy John’s delivery guys.

You didn’t stumble upon my HUGE porn stash while spring cleaning.

You read Big Diction.

Photo: ??

Gentleman, let’s face it. Sometime during our pubescent years a certain misconception was propagated. The misconception of course was that making a mix tape for a gal would somehow convince her of your own sexual prowess. Since that time, studies have shown that largely this is not true. Today, we look at the top reasons that your mix tape failed to induce the proper emotions in the opposite sex.

New Order’s “Age of Consent” was actually a pretty accurate choice, considering the situation, but neither Chris Hansen, nor a Texas jury, really got the joke.

While still a formidable professional accomplishment, it probably wasn’t wise to call attention to the fact that you have hoes in different area codes.

As it turns out, The Silver Jews’ “Sometimes a Pony Gets Depressed” wasn’t just an expression of your affinity for barnyard fornication, but a Freudian slip concerning a certain metaphor in which the pony represents your phallus, and depression is well….depression.

The only lyric she really heard in Pavement’s “Silence Kit” was “screwin’ myself with my hand” and “Oh my Gawd! You don’t do that do you? GROSS!”

Do you really need a B-Squad comedy website to tell you that “Youz A Ho” was a bad idea?

“Mr. Jones?” You really did give this to an 8th grade girl, didn’t you?

Let’s be realistic here. If you’re a Star Wars fan and you’re getting laid on a regular basis, you don’t want to do anything to ruin it, including quoting the films at inopportune times. The following is a list of Han Solo quotes that should under no circumstances be uttered before, during, or after intercourse. The only other advice we could give you is try not to finish in less than 12 parsecs.

“No, no, NO! THIS one goes THERE, THAT one goes THERE!”

“Had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything’s perfectly all right now.”

“This is no cave.”

“Thanks for coming after me. I owe you one.”

“Ugh. And I thought they smelled bad on the OUTSIDE.”

“Sorry sweetheart. I haven’t got time for anything else.”