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What happens when a college heaves itself blindly into the throws of mindless pretentiousness and academic mediocrity, while exhorting a better-than-thou pomposity exceeded only by the French? You get Ohio State University. Now combine it with cheap beer, red jerseys and couch burning, and you’ve created an Ohio State Fan!
Continue reading Features: Profiles in Heroism: The Ohio State Fan
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The Rangers’ most recent acquisitions.
In an effort to cut costs and bolster their injury-depleted bullpen, the Texas Rangers have begun hiring day laborers to complete their 25-man roster.
“It started out, we were just looking for guys to repaint the baselines”, said Rangers GM Jon Daniels. “Then we thought, ‘We’re already paying them for a whole day, why not?’”
The newly employed day-laborers have embraced their new duties, as Home Depot parking lots across DFW have become increasingly crowded with unskilled workers hoping to be discovered.
“I never saw it coming. But it’s definitely better than cleaning out septic tanks or laying grout” said Eddie Guardado, who has been offered a ten day contract worth $60.
Continue reading Feature: Rangers Hire Day-Laborers to Fill Out Bullpen
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Seniors: you graduate in the next two months (well, some of you). You know what you’ll be doing, at least in the near future (well, most of you). It’s time to start thinking very seriously about the only thing that matters in October when you’re talking with your friends: why your life is harder than their life. And believe me, with so many people jockeying for the pole position in the race for pity and self-loathing, you’d better have a good defense.
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So listen, I’ve seen you around quite a bit, and I think we should go out to dinner or something. I must say I’m usually not this forward, but you’re really pretty and it seems like we’d have a lot in co…oh my God you took your sunglasses off. No, no, it’s nothing, but I think you might want to put them back on. Yes, I realize that it’s currently cloudy, but you know how it is, the sun will probably be back out in no time.
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