We’ve been cleaning a bit of house recently here at the Dic, and we came across some things that had been earmarked for BD Salutes, but then buried under stacks and stacks of pornography. But our love of baseball, smoking and sticking it to the man mandated that these bits of news not go unrecognized.

First, and most recent, Cleveland Indians second baseman Asdrubal Cabrera completed just the 14th unassisted triple play in Major League history Monday night. Pretty ballsy, right? Wrong. Upon reviewing the video, we’ve decided to downgrade this from a full-fledged Salute to a more modest Tip of the Cap. Seriously, this video was the biggest letdown since the Mir spacestation didn’t crash into Taco Bell’s huge Pacific target.

Indiana: 60% farmland, 40% Charlie Weis

With summer right around the corner, it’s time to start making your summer road tripping plans! The problem is: your plans are terrible. No one wants to see the world’s largest ball of yarn, do they? No one wants to go to Branson unless they’re a member of AARP. Well I’m here to help all you road ninjas; and to keep you from sawing logs at the wheel, I’m reviewing the five most boring states to drive through so you can get to your precious antique shops in as few pieces as possible! Snoring in at number five on our list is the peanut butter state, Indiana!

The first thing that you’ll notice when you enter Indiana is a welcome sign. On this sign is the nebulous slogan “Crossroads of America.” Now really, it must take more work to come up with a slogan this boring. I can just see some chump hard at work at the Indiana Bureau of Creativity coming to his boss saying “Sir, I have come up with a motto well befitting our great state: The Crossroads of America!” His boss should have said “Jenkins you imbecile, that’s not a motto, it’s rubbish!” I would call this out with such descriptors as a “let down” or “pathetic,” but I don’t want to give the impression that I hold any expectations for Indiana.

Continue reading Feature: Top 5 Most Boring States to Drive Through Pt. 1 - Indiana

Column: How To Successfully Avoid The Imaginary Limelight

     by Graham Weber

Never Trust A Man In This Much Denim - Photo: Jessica Adie

We coaxed local musician Graham Weber off the coattails of his latest album The Door To The Morning to come over and write a column for us here at the Dic. Ever the pushover, Graham agreed, and we’re pleased to bring you the idle thoughts of one of America’s greatest singer-songwriters. You can catch Vol. 1 of How To Successfully Avoid The Imaginary Limelight on his myspace, or Vol. 2 right here. Vol. 3 is waiting for you below.

It’s late again, and I haven’t had a chance to eat all day. So needless to say as the day wore on my mind has been preoccupied with my appetite. There is not much to eat in my house tonight. The cupboard is nearly bare, with the exception of dried pasta, and 4 cans of Skyline Chili. It’s one the few red meat products I will eat from a can. The other is Armor Corned Beef Hash. Unfortunately, I ate my reserve can of that last week. I take a bite, and I’m taken back to a more innocent time in my life, when I didn’t care what I was eating. I don’t know what’s in those cans but I prefer not to think about it… I’m a red-blooded American and I don’t ask questions.

Continue reading Feature: How To Successfully Avoid The Imaginary Limelight Vol. 3

“Hello, officer. Could I interest you in some dro?”

Melo,

Is it me? Are you acting out for my attention? Did I not call you on your birthday, wishing you to have a fantastic second half of the season? Did I not promise you the 8 seed when, in reality, a higher-tempo, more dysfunctional team (have you SEEN the Warriors?) should’ve picked up that spot? I mean… CHRIST! What’re you doing? You go out and get hammered and then drive home instead of letting one of your 1209842105 posse members drive you back. Why even have Skray-J around if you won’t let him drive you places?? Then you rant and rave about your team quitting in Game 3 of your series, when in reality, you’re just getting outplayed and outcoached by… and there’s no easy way to say this… better players and better coaches. I’m sorry… I’m not sorry. You’re acting like I DON’T have a high-profile forward who just admitted to smoking pot in the off-season while implicating half the league in the process. Umm, hello?!? What do you think the perception of a majority young, black league is anyways?? I implement a dress code to alter the image of the product and this is what I get… players getting high, getting DUIs, and bitching about quitters. It’s like the most boring episode of the OC… and I would KILL for their ratings!! My advice to you is this: sack up, grow a pair, and play like you’re somewhat interested in earning your obscene salary… you’re making Kobe look like he could get away with another alleged rape trial in your state.

Best,
D-Stern

Continue reading Feature: Probable Letter from David Stern, Commissioner of the NBA to Carmelo Anthony, Embattled Denver Nugget

Column: How To Successfully Avoid The Imaginary Limelight

     by Graham Weber

Never Trust A Man In This Much Denim - Photo: Jessica Adie

We coaxed local musician Graham Weber off the coattails of his latest album The Door To The Morning to come over and write a column for us here at the Dic. Ever the pushover, Graham agreed, and we’re pleased to bring you the idle thoughts of one of America’s greatest singer-songwriters. You can catch Vol. 1 of How To Successfully Avoid The Imaginary Limelight on his myspace. Vol. 2 is waiting for you below.

It’s raining as the clock strikes 1am. It’s coming down hard and I’m hoping that the wall between my kitchen and the side yard doesn’t decide that it is water soluble as it has done from time to time in the past. I’m exhausted. My body hurts and I can’t seem to get caught up with the things I need to get done… so of course, I’m writing this instead. Rain in the middle of the night is one of my favorite things. I sit in my garage and smoke, and as of late I’ve been nostalgic. Unintentionally finding myself clinging to a youth that gets farther away with every bill and brutal morning after.

Continue reading Feature: Graham Weber’s How To Successfully Avoid The Imaginary Limelight Vol. 2

Kev-dog

You might not know this, but the Myspace is full of tools. It’s an interesting subculture; the “tool” group latches onto the “bimbo” group, amounting to what is essentially an entire culture of amateur bodybuilders hitting on amateur porn stars. Today we’re featuring Kevin, the veritable “Binford” of tools.

We’ve got Kevin on the phone for an exclusive interview.

Big Diction: So Kevin, tell us a little about yourself.

Kevin: I’m 37. I eat Muscle Milk raw. I’m married.

Big Diction: Married?

Kevin: Everyone was doing it.

BD: Fair enough.

Continue reading Feature: Myspace Tool of the Day