Column: Huge Balls

     by Rob Stiller

THE BULLS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!!&@^*&%!

Have crueler words ever been spoken?

Lo, just weeks ago, I lived in a world where I thought it was only ESPN’s coverage of the NFL Draft that would induce a level of nausea that could only be rivaled by Rosie O’Donnell mating with a bean burrito. But when these six frightful words callously traversed my aural canal, I was faced with the grim reality that the social cancer that is the mock draft had infiltrated my beloved basketball.

Previously, I had come to terms my annual ritual of boycotting Sportscenter during the months leading up to the NFL Draft, that time of year when Mel Kiper puts anything and everything On the Clock!, from the Redskins to the Dolphins, and often even more surprising entities, such as his childhood pediatrician and Black Tuesday. As Dostoyevsky once wrote, man is a creature than can grow accustomed to anything, and I had grown accustomed to the exercise in futility that is the NFL Mock Draft.

[Read more]

Column: Huge Balls

     by Rob Stiller

Generally speaking, I would feel confident in saying that I am one of the most ardent followers of the NBA that you will come across. But I would never, EVER try to match NBA wits with anyone who was around to witness first hand the Celtics of the 60’s, the Lakers of the 80’s, or even the Bulls of the early 90’s because, regardless of how many books I read or how much ESPN Classic I watch, I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ll never be able to experience the game the way people did during basketball’s glory days. It’s like that scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams says to Matt Damon “I’m sure you can tell me all about Michelangelo…, but you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel.” Indeed I could go back and memorize every box score from the ’86 Finals, but I could never understand exactly what Larry Bird meant to the city of Boston.

Ever since it started to seem likely that we were in fact headed toward a Boston-L.A. match up in the Finals, I’ve been lamenting more and more that fact that I missed out on the original Lakers-Celtics. But somewhere along the line I realized that anyone under the age of 30 or so is in the same boat, which got me thinking, what’s in it for us?

It depends what you’re looking for.

If we’re talking about a young generation trying to claim its slice of the NBA’s historical pie, the conversation starts and ends with Kobe*. Given his current situation, very little is standing in the way of him becoming one of the top ten players of all time. Given the shear volume of his career due to entering the league at only 18, his stats alone will be staggering. But as the Lakers stand, with a few crafty roster moves, Kobe should be competing for championships until at least 2011. Just for fun, let’s say he wins any 2 titles over that span and joins the Five Ring Club. Throw out all of the Bill Russell and MJ tag-alongs, and all of a sudden it becomes increasingly difficult to argue against him as one of the greatest players of all time. Love him or hate him, Bryant has the chance to begin a push to be remembered as one of the top ten players of all time over the next two weeks, which, with that first MVP trophy already in hand, could for all intents and purposes make my generation the Kobe Bryant generation.

But if we’re talking about a young generation building on the legacy of those who have come and gone, it would be a mistake to consider this just another NBA Finals. For that reason, what I’m most looking forward to getting out of two weeks of Magic-Bird montages is simply a bit of historical illumination, just to catch a glimpse of the glory days I’ve only ever been able to read about. Instead of regretting never having seen Bird and Magic go toe to toe or missing out on the McHale-Rambis Clothesline, one should rather seize the opportunity to own a piece of a rivalry that supersedes any player or generation. Liken it to Yankees-Red Sox of 2004, if you will. It didn’t matter if you were there in 1918 when the Sox won it all, or in 1986 when they lost it all; it was special because it was still just Yankees-Sox. That idea that a rivalry can transcend players, coaches and even bridge generations is what makes this Finals so significant, even for those of us that weren’t around for the previous installments. And tonight for the first time in 20 years, it won’t be Kobe-Garnett or Kobe-Pierce, it will just be Lakers-Celtics.

——————————-

*One brief sidenote: if the Celtics do win this series and Garnett and Pierce end up with similar performances, would this not be one of the most historically significant Finals MVP decisions ever? Think about it. With a championship, KG will be cemented as one of the all time greats, but with a Finals MVP trophy, he immediately jumps into the top 20-25. Pierce has even more to gain. For him, the Finals MVP trophy could be the difference between being remembered as a good scorer or as a great player. Fortunately or unfortunately, neither player could care less about such a thing. If only it were Shaq and Kobe in a similar situation.

Column: Huge Balls

     by Rob Stiller

Nathaniel S. Butler/NBAE/Getty Images

Of the two conference semi-finals series that went seven games, neither had inspired a lot of hope for a well-played, closely contested series finale. After all, each game in the Spurs-Hornets series had been decided by double digits, and watching the first six games of Celtics-Cavs had simply been nausea-inducing on more than one occasion. But to the delight of myself and countless other fans, both games met, and, in the case of LeBron v. Paul Pierce, exceeded any realistic expectations for a Game 7.

Rave
LeBron v. Pierce

The NBA could have hoped for nothing better than the epic battle staged between LeBron James and Paul Pierce Sunday afternoon. It was a win-win situation for the league, at least for the guy responsible for the Eastern Conference Finals ad campaign. You either have LeBron versus the Pistons, in which case you show clip after clip of LeBron’s 48 Special from last year’s game five, or you have Celtics-Pistons, in which you incite memories of the glory days of the late eighties and Joe Dumars and Larry Bird. But even for the rest of us, the game was still a treat to watch, and will probably be remembered as the best mano-a-mano game of the season. [Read more]

We’ve been cleaning a bit of house recently here at the Dic, and we came across some things that had been earmarked for BD Salutes, but then buried under stacks and stacks of pornography. But our love of baseball, smoking and sticking it to the man mandated that these bits of news not go unrecognized.

First, and most recent, Cleveland Indians second baseman Asdrubal Cabrera completed just the 14th unassisted triple play in Major League history Monday night. Pretty ballsy, right? Wrong. Upon reviewing the video, we’ve decided to downgrade this from a full-fledged Salute to a more modest Tip of the Cap. Seriously, this video was the biggest letdown since the Mir spacestation didn’t crash into Taco Bell’s huge Pacific target.

More Friday afternoon time-wasters.  You’re welcome.

- Link of the Week: Charles Barkley loosely admits he’s a dumbass.  I hope whoever was responsible for this got a surious raise.

- If you didn’t hate the Yankees before, now there’s news that Derek Jeter has dated six women on Maxim’s Hot 100 list.  Whatever.  Call me when he’s dated six of the top 10.

- This isn’t a great article.  I was just shocked to see Stephen A. Smith take the, um, other side of a racial argument.  Although he did pose the question, but you take what you can get.

- Your weekly dose of Tim Cowlishaw pessimism.  Can you believe he isn’t happy with the Mavs apparent choice of Rick Carlisle as their next coach?

- Not to be outdone, the Star-Telegram’s Randy Galloway weighs in on who’s the right man for the Mavs.

- This is getting out of hand.  T.O.  Tank Johnson.  The Pacman.  Now Chris Henry wants to join the Cowboys?  Any chance of Jerry Jones luring O.J. out of retirement?

- Rockets’ future: Is there a point yet?  I certainly don’t see the point.  Decent article.  Funnier title.

- I can only hope that one day Papa John’s or some other pizza franchise insults my city.

- What’s this?  Two mentions of the Rockets?  This free agent wish list from Jonathon Feigen of the Houston Chronicle puts us over the top on our quota of Rockets content for the summer.

- There has never been a greater truster of his teammates in the history of professional sports than Kobe Bryant.  At least the idea’s funny.  It’s good to see Stephen Hawking keeps up with pro hoops.

- It’s never a bad time to revisit the Ultimate Professor Highlight Video.

Column: Huge Balls

     by Rob Stiller

In the weeks leading up to the NBA playoffs this season, I shared a sentiment with Charles Barkley in that, as he stated during one of TNT’s Inside the NBA programs, “This is gon’ be the best playoffs ev’r.” Perhaps my expectations were too high, but so far I haven’t gotten what I had hoped for. I never thought the Suns-Spurs series would be over in five games. I never thought the best first round series would be Boston-Atlanta. And I certainly never anticipated being so distracted and disgusted at that standard of officiating that has cropped up this playoff season, part of which has been just bad officiating and part of which is due to how the league has chosen to handle certain situations, particularly the flagrant foul.

[Read more]