Column: Huge Balls

     by Rob Stiller

THE BULLS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!!&@^*&%!

Have crueler words ever been spoken?

Lo, just weeks ago, I lived in a world where I thought it was only ESPN’s coverage of the NFL Draft that would induce a level of nausea that could only be rivaled by Rosie O’Donnell mating with a bean burrito. But when these six frightful words callously traversed my aural canal, I was faced with the grim reality that the social cancer that is the mock draft had infiltrated my beloved basketball.

Previously, I had come to terms my annual ritual of boycotting Sportscenter during the months leading up to the NFL Draft, that time of year when Mel Kiper puts anything and everything On the Clock!, from the Redskins to the Dolphins, and often even more surprising entities, such as his childhood pediatrician and Black Tuesday. As Dostoyevsky once wrote, man is a creature than can grow accustomed to anything, and I had grown accustomed to the exercise in futility that is the NFL Mock Draft.

But I could never grow accustomed to seeing this nonsensical tradition extended to my sport of choice.

In this case the Big Brother to my Winston Smith just happens to be ESPN’s own Chad Ford. For years, Chad has existed beneath the murky waters of ESPN’s NBA coverage, occasionally resurfacing to tell us about the next big international player about whom no one will ever give a crap. And for years I was convinced that the easiest job in the world belonged to any player batting against the Rangers, that is, until I read the following excerpt from Ford’s 2008 Mock Draft version 5.0.

“The Knicks want a lead guard who can push the ball and hit an open jumper. Derrick Rose, O.J. Mayo and Jerryd Bayless are their top choices, but if they are off the board, New York will have a tough choice to make.

I had Danilo Gallinari here in the first two versions of this mock draft, thanks to his Italian ties with Mike D’Antoni.

But a Suns source told me that D’Antoni wasn’t a huge fan of Gallinari’s game when he was shown some tape during the season, which has made me seriously reconsider that forecast.
In the past two mock drafts, I’ve had two different guys in this spot — D.J. Augustin and Anthony Randolph.

But after talking to the Knicks, I would say the two guys who now appear to stand out are Russell Westbrook and Joe Alexander.”

That’s right. For the Knicks, who hold the SIXTH pick in the draft, Ford has painstakingly whittled the field down to a mere EIGHT (!) candidates.

Now, such a worthless effort might make the grade if Ford’s employer was, say, Big Diction, but this is the self proclaimed Worldwide Leader in Sports. Even more egregious is the network’s billing of Ford as an “Insider”, when the fact is I could put together a more coherent mock draft with my dick tied behind my back. And guess how many NBA GM’s I have on my speed dial. None.

As it turns out, it seems the only thing Chad Ford is any good at is covering his own ass. Because I read all things NBA, regardless of expectations and any guarantee of quality, I’ve followed Ford’s predictions for the last few years, so I know he’s made numerous blunders lauding various foreigners that never logged an actual NBA minute (he loved Darko’s upside, as I recall). Unfortunately, actually holding him accountable is somewhat of a challenge for the common man, because, if you’re interested in checking out his track record in previous drafts, you come across something like this, a prompt from ESPN to subscribe to a year’s access to their “Insider” content, which includes the Chad Ford archive. If only I could take all my mistakes and hide them under lock and key. Or at least an annual fee of $29.95.

But this isn’t just an indictment of Ford himself, though, but rather the media outlets that presume to be able to accurately predict that which is inherently unpredictable. We needn’t look far into the past to see how a few draft day trades can not only alter the course of the selection process, but have an even more profound effect on the pending NBA season and subsequent championship. Where would the Celtics stand this season had they followed the Draft Mockers and selected Corey Brewer as opposed to trading for Ray Allen? Likely they would be staring another lottery pick square in the eye.

The appeal of the draft doesn’t lie in rating college prospects or pu-puing the presumptive next Wang Zhu Zhu, but rather the prospect that your team can, over the course of a single night, substantially alter its prospects in the league for the foreseeable future. And that sort of drama ought not be tainted by the constant bombardment of preposterous predictions that, come Draft Night, are about as valuable as a ticket to Colonial Williamsburg.