“Hello, officer. Could I interest you in some dro?”

Melo,

Is it me? Are you acting out for my attention? Did I not call you on your birthday, wishing you to have a fantastic second half of the season? Did I not promise you the 8 seed when, in reality, a higher-tempo, more dysfunctional team (have you SEEN the Warriors?) should’ve picked up that spot? I mean… CHRIST! What’re you doing? You go out and get hammered and then drive home instead of letting one of your 1209842105 posse members drive you back. Why even have Skray-J around if you won’t let him drive you places?? Then you rant and rave about your team quitting in Game 3 of your series, when in reality, you’re just getting outplayed and outcoached by… and there’s no easy way to say this… better players and better coaches. I’m sorry… I’m not sorry. You’re acting like I DON’T have a high-profile forward who just admitted to smoking pot in the off-season while implicating half the league in the process. Umm, hello?!? What do you think the perception of a majority young, black league is anyways?? I implement a dress code to alter the image of the product and this is what I get… players getting high, getting DUIs, and bitching about quitters. It’s like the most boring episode of the OC… and I would KILL for their ratings!! My advice to you is this: sack up, grow a pair, and play like you’re somewhat interested in earning your obscene salary… you’re making Kobe look like he could get away with another alleged rape trial in your state.

Best,
D-Stern

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Matt Topel writes for Publick Occurrences Both Foreign and Domestick, McClure’s and has a yearly column in Poor Richard’s Almanack. His life is harder than your life.