There’s been a lot of talk about the new spin-off of The Office lately, so over the next few weeks at Big Diction, we’ll all be picking our favorite Office spin-off stars, and speculating on the show that might develop around them. Now, John Michael Cassetta on Kelly Kapoor.

I think by this point we all know the facts: NBC is hooking up its hit sitcom The Office with its own spin-off, which has neither a title, a premise, or a main character. There’s rumor that the spin-off will feature an entirely new cast, but let’s face it, that’s boring. Here at Big Diction, we’re convinced the spin-off will center around one of the minor characters from The Office. In fact we have an office pool going, and we’re each writing about our favorites. The buy-in is 25 cents, so there’s kinda a lot riding on this.

I call Kelly Kapoor. Since the second season, she been by far the most “real” character. My definition of real, of course, is based entirely on the network television definition of real: REALITY TV.

That’s right, Kelly Kipoor. In her own reality show. OMGZ with Kelly Kapoor.

I don’t know if you know this, but Kelly is a real person, by which I mean Kelly Kapoor is played by Kelly Kapoor. That means she exists in real life. Which also means she’s the perfect candidate for a reality TV show. Anyway, that thing with Craig (yes, they dated in real life too, I think) just ended, and the producers need a way to get her off the show fast, because her sass is starting to be a problem on set. And in what industry is sass a calling card? Reality TV. OMGZ with Kelly Kapoor. Keep saying it to yourself.

Here’s the premise: Kelly needs a new man (like. duh.) and the men are going to have to compete for it. Ever seen I Love New York (the Flavor of Love spinoff)? It’s like that, with balls. Gag-balls. Challenges will start with S&M and move on up from there. I know what you’re thinking: can you broadcast that much nudity? Sure, it’s called pay-per-view, or, if you prefer, pornography.

The dominatrix genre has just been asking, or rather, demanding to be merged with the reality TV genre. I mean, most reality TV programs are like social pornography anyway (or in the case of The Girls Next Door, real pornography). With all this pseudo-sex on television, it seems only natural to make the sexual element explicit.

And just to answer the question on everyone’s mind, yes, I know Kelly Kapoor is not that “attractive,” but have you seen an S&M video lately? No? Well…I guess you’ll just have to trust me then: attractiveness is by no means on the shortlist of “must haves.”

Why OMGZ with Kelly Kapoor? “OMGZ” is the safe-word, of course. Make sure you remember that, you’ll be screaming it all winter.