Kev-dog

You might not know this, but the Myspace is full of tools. It’s an interesting subculture; the “tool” group latches onto the “bimbo” group, amounting to what is essentially an entire culture of amateur bodybuilders hitting on amateur porn stars. Today we’re featuring Kevin, the veritable “Binford” of tools.

We’ve got Kevin on the phone for an exclusive interview.

Big Diction: So Kevin, tell us a little about yourself.

Kevin: I’m 37. I eat Muscle Milk raw. I’m married.

Big Diction: Married?

Kevin: Everyone was doing it.

BD: Fair enough.

K: Yeah, Personally, I think I’m just a very nice, funny, witty, but only slightly more than average intelligent guy. The only really new thing about me is that I’ve begun investing in the stock market. Now, before you start “ooohing” and “aaahing” and asking for stock tips, I’ve only been doing it for about a week, so I’m still extremely new at this, and FAR from rich yet. I just know that I WILL be, eventually.

BD: Ooooh. Aaah. What’s your portfolio look like?

K: Playboy. Hustler. Maxim. Girls Gone Wild. Snatch House. Cooter Corral.

BD: I see. Sounds like some solid investments. What do you do with your free time?

K: Well when I’m not tanning, just the usual stuff: lifting, clubbing, flexing, Jaeger bombs, hitting on bitches, cause bitches ain’t SHIT, bro!

BD: Didn’t you just say you were married?

K: Okay, no I’m not married. I just say that because for some reason chicks fucking love married guys. It’s unreal.

BD: Really, that’s not something I’ve heard.

K: That’s because you’re a fucking idiot.

BD: So what kind of music do you like?

K: Creed, Nickleback, Simple Plan, but I mean, I’m kinda into indie bands and stuff too, like Weezer and The Strokes. Most people don’t know those bands…

BD: Never heard of ‘em.

K: Well Weezer has this great album, I think it’s called “Beverly Hills.” That song is on my “Pump Up” mix. Want to hear my “Cool Down” mix?

BD: Um…[pause]…What kind of movies do you watch?

K: It’s a little dated, but A Clockwork Orange is still my favourite movie. Others include Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Akeelah And The Bee (I’ve always wanted to be literate), The Lord of the Rings trilogy, although I wish it stayed just a little closer to the books…

BD: Hold on, you’ve read Lord of the Rings? You don’t strike me as much of a reader…

K: HA! You got me, I haven’t. But that’s just what I hear people say. I did recently listen to The Motley Fool: You Have More Money Than You Think on tape. It’s basically a straight-forward and easy-to-read book on investing, and a REAL eye-opener.

BD: Right right, stocks. So who would you like to meet?

K: People who aren’t rude, negative, or excessively stupid. I’m not looking to actually “meet” anyone in the traditional sense since I AM [cough] married [cough]. If I meet someone from here in person inadvertently, or on purpose like at a trade show or anything, that’s cool, too. Hot chicks with big boobs are always welcome, of course, either on here or in person. I don’t think I’m any different from pretty much any other guy in that regard.

BD: Very true. At heart, I think we’re all married guys looking for hot chicks with big boobs.

K: My heart hasn’t been the same since I drank 6 Monsters in a day.

BD: Thanks for you time.