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Seniors: you graduate in the next two months (well, some of you). You know what you’ll be doing, at least in the near future (well, most of you). It’s time to start thinking very seriously about the only thing that matters in October when you’re talking with your friends: why your life is harder than their life. And believe me, with so many people jockeying for the pole position in the race for pity and self-loathing, you’d better have a good defense.

It’s safe to say that no one in grad school has a harder life than anyone else because, well, they’re still in school. And school is a hell of a lot better than work. The real difficulty comes when comparing jobs with your fellow classmates, and there are a few hard and fast rules to always keep in mind.

Rule #1: Grad school isn’t even in the running
Are you going to grad school? Sorry, you’re not even a registered participant in the Hardest Life Sweepstakes. Let’s look at why. Med school is generally accepted as the most difficult grad school route, but in the end, how many people are going to feel sorry that you have to stay in on Friday night to study Anatomy when you’ll be a doctor in four years? Going to law school or business school? They should call it Undergrad 2.0. Wait, you have a lot of reading to do? Hmm, maybe I should feel bad for people taking 3 years to graduate, then making a starting salary of $140,000. The best bet for earning the pity of your peers is probably an academic grad school. “Seven years for a PhD in Comparative Literature you say? That’s rough.” And funny. But complaining about it will only make people like you less.

Rule #2: They know what they’re getting into.
Unless you’re a moron, you’ve done some basic research into the field you’ll be working. Never let people complain about their workload when they know that 70+ hour weeks and traveling non-stop are the norm. I-bankers and consultants, we’re looking at you.

Rule #3: “Giving back” is self-satisfying
People in Teach For America, the Peace Corps, and other service-based or non-profit organizations like to think they hold a monopoly on The Hardest Life Sweepstakes. This is false. A large majority of the members get off on the fact that their jobs are difficult. The reason they complain is so that you can validate their hard work and ensure them that they’re making a difference. It’s a masturbatory cycle, and it’s your job to stop it.

Following these rules will help you, as an upcoming graduate, sift through all the bullshit excuses and complaints of your friends when they’re trying to make you feel bad for them. The last rule: everyone’s job is hard when they first start. Complaining about it will only ensure that a) your co-workers despise you, b) your friends make fun of you behind your back, and c) you slip into a self-pitying depression.

Sack up and grow a pair. Hearts and kisses.

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Matt Topel writes for Publick Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick, McClure’s and has a yearly column in Poor Richard’s Almanack. His life is harder than your life.